Are your expectations realistic

Remember that young children are still in the process of learning what is expected of them and what ‘good’ means in practice.

Under-threes, and especially under- twos, do not understand what adults mean by the concept of ‘sharing’. If adults depend on the word alone, then very young children can believe it is a power word. They grab something that someone else has and then shout, ‘Share’ or ‘Gotta share’. Young children can manage some simple turn-taking and wait for a short while, but settings should provide enough play resources and adult attention to avoid very young children having to share resources – and so avert upset.

Three- and four-year-olds have the time perspective to understand an acknowledgement of good behaviour that occurred earlier in the day, but the balance still needs to be towards making positive comments at the time it occurs. Unwanted behaviour is also best addressed when it happens, rather than postponed to a later discussion. When you feel you have more time to talk about what happened, children will have mentally moved on.

Always be specific. Vague messages only leave children wondering what exactly you mean. Say, ‘Can we find a way for Alice to join your game?’ rather than, ‘Be nice to Alice.’